Suffer the Children; The Congressional Fund for the Children of Closeted Bi-sexual and Homosexual Republicans

It's always the kids that suffer the most. Nobody thinks about them. Mom, stoic, a smile frozen to her face, bravely standing next to her husband during the press conference, even though racing through her mind is the terrorizing thought "did he at least practice safe sex?"

And the politician is surrounded by his children, proving that he is a man, a virile man, a man firmly planted in the biblical tradition of fruitfulness and multiplication. A fruity and mathematical man.

But what about the children? Do they ever join the congressional junkets to the Caribbean, where their fathers go to frolic friskily? Or to countries where the market for sex is so large, it is calculated into the gross national product? Do they ever get to fly through Minneapolis?

No, the children are left behind. Stuck at boarding schools, reading about their father in the newspapers, as one by one, their friends drop by their dorm rooms, confessing to having had their thigh or butt squeezed on a visit to the house, "which is why I just won't do another sleepover at your house," they say, adding, "nothing to do with you, dude. Your old man just gives me the creeps."

The children suffer.

Well, there is something you can do about it.

By contributing to The Congressional Fund for the Children of Closeted Bi-sexual and Homosexual Republicans, you will make it possible to send these deserving, long suffering kids to a mixed gender camp for two weeks in the summer.

Burdened by the family secrets all their lives, the kids will be able play games in the sunshine, sing around campfires, and most importantly, with the help of qualified professions learn that moral hypocrisy is not hereditary, it is an acquired behaviour. And that social scientists already have identified dozens of "hotspots" where the malady is rampant, and can be avoided. There is a treatment for it, and these suffering children will learn that they are not condemned by biology to live the lives of hypocrisy of their forebears.

We will work with those kids and teach that statistically, the longer you live a lie, the more likely it becomes that it will reach up and bite you in the rear. Or an even more sensitive spot.

Contribute, and ease the suffering inflicted on these children by a father whose adulterous sin is not loving too much, but too many, and not being specific about the gender they chose to lay with. Or get laid by. Or lay. Something like that.

All checks should be made out to The Congressional Fund for the Children of Closeted Bi-sexual and Homosexual Republicans; you may put my name in brackets, I'll see that it goes where it should.

Thank you, on behalf of the kids.